June 2014 Mackay Carnival Review
“Men when faced with life’s challenges will always make the wisest choice possible…….after having exhausted all other possibilities” – Billy Connelly, 1998.
Ok. Let’s not fuck around. Paddy lectured Toddy before they saw each other. The first car arrived. Hughes found a tiger suit. There was actually a debate over chafe remedies. More boys arrive by plane. Boys stop at a tavern and start getting munted. Buy more booze. Andy yells at Paddy. Paddy yells at Andy. Andy yells at Toddy. Possible pattern emerging.
“Men when faced with life’s challenges will always make the wisest choice possible…….after having exhausted all other possibilities” – Billy Connelly, 1998.
Ok. Let’s not fuck around. Paddy lectured Toddy before they saw each other. The first car arrived. Hughes found a tiger suit. There was actually a debate over chafe remedies. More boys arrive by plane. Boys stop at a tavern and start getting munted. Buy more booze. Andy yells at Paddy. Paddy yells at Andy. Andy yells at Toddy. Possible pattern emerging.
Rangers arrive. Celebrate by drinking. Danny arrives. Celebrate by drinking. Go to RSL. Moodies morally cleared of ever having to participate in meet and greet again as we were the only other team to turn up. Decision to go to other tavern. Paddy holds everyone up by needing the worst timed shit in Moodies history. Moodies use courtesy coach to go back to tavern.
At tavern. Moodies meet Millsy’s daughter. She seems smart and responsible. Recommend Millsy get a paternity test. Millsy wins dance off against gayest man in the bar. Lets just say that again. “Won a dance off against a gay man”. Andy nut slaps Sheepy. Sheepy jobs Andy. Bouncer grabs Sheepy. Sheepy focused on not spilling drink. Andy becomes cuddle monkey for bouncer. Bouncer generally confused and possibly frightened by the jolting shift in gears from sudden violence to free love. Made even more confusing by Andy’s presence. People start going home. Andy arrive back at van park and starts living up to his Hispanic heritage by attempting to break into every unit in sight. Danny and Andy attempt to jump on sleeping Bordo. Danny gets the upper body lock while Andy gets lifted airplane style in the nuts by Bordo. Bordo keeps hearing the question “Old or Ugly”. Doesn’t understand the context and goes back to sleep.
The start of the carnival isn’t until tomorrow....
The start of the carnival isn’t until tomorrow....
Start carnival. Pick up two players. Che and Yabi. Disappointingly one of them is not the Argentine Marxist revolutionary and guerrilla leader. It does turn out that one of them likes jobbing people.
Game 1. Defense holds firm. Millsy, Andy and Graeme look green. Paddy can’t get a ball to feet. Tells everyone he can’t get a ball to feet. After the game reminds everyone he can’t get a ball to feet. Result 0 – 0.
Game 2. Defense holds firm. Millsy, Andy and Graeme look green. Paddy can’t get a ball to feet. Tells everyone he can’t get a ball to feet. After the game reminds everyone he can’t get a ball to feet. Second pattern emerging. Sprio’s vindictive streak revealed as he thai knee’s Goodie in the ribs during a corner while mouthing “ That’s for Rocky – poofta”. Or so I’m told. Result 0 – 0.
Game 1. Defense holds firm. Millsy, Andy and Graeme look green. Paddy can’t get a ball to feet. Tells everyone he can’t get a ball to feet. After the game reminds everyone he can’t get a ball to feet. Result 0 – 0.
Game 2. Defense holds firm. Millsy, Andy and Graeme look green. Paddy can’t get a ball to feet. Tells everyone he can’t get a ball to feet. After the game reminds everyone he can’t get a ball to feet. Second pattern emerging. Sprio’s vindictive streak revealed as he thai knee’s Goodie in the ribs during a corner while mouthing “ That’s for Rocky – poofta”. Or so I’m told. Result 0 – 0.
Game 3. The game we possibly confused intensity for violence. Play game. Turns out they're dickheads. Verbal’s start. Andy gets grapple tackled. Andy decides he’s only ever a cuddle monkey on his terms and ends up wraslin’ with his marker before threatening to upper cut his head off. Yabi gets tackled, knocked down and elbowed in the face. Yabi with fire in his heart and the Moddies play book on his mind, pimp slaps the whining pansy in response. Yabi’s Moodies membership is secured. Another Capricon guy runs in. Sheepy confusing him for Andy body locks him. Lots of bad language and hurt feelings. Game called off. Spiro Friday Kaleas continues arguing with ref. We then enter some sort of bizzaro alternative universe as Andy becomes peace maker between Spiro and the Capricorn team.
Home. Dinner. Bed. Very few people stay up and chat. Spiro discusses his guido problems. Andy later heard sobbing in his unit.
Game 4. The walking dead take the field. Loose 2 – 0 but some how progress? Further discussion about no balls to feet.
Game 5. Actually play ok. Danny scores first carnival goal. Toddy gets taken out and penalty awarded. Andy continues growling at Toddy and takes penalty. Score 2 – 2. Penalty shoot out. We loose with only Moodies defenders scoring in the shootout. Then somehow we’re told we still progress. No one can work this shit out.
Game 5. Actually play ok. Danny scores first carnival goal. Toddy gets taken out and penalty awarded. Andy continues growling at Toddy and takes penalty. Score 2 – 2. Penalty shoot out. We loose with only Moodies defenders scoring in the shootout. Then somehow we’re told we still progress. No one can work this shit out.
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Game 6. All squad penalty shootout. Goodie seeking revenge puts on a Renegades jersey and scores against Spiro. Spiro agrees not to kill him there and then because we may have another game to play even though we just lost this one as well. We don't. Spiro vows Goodie will never get a good hair cut in Cairns again.
Back at the ranch drinks are had and Graeme gets
into story mode. Fuck me you know you have comedic skills when you hold the attention of 13 drinking men and tell your story in Yiddish.....or something (Editor's note: "We're consulting with Les Murray"). Still waters run deep my friends. We go out. David Hughes who has barely spoken the entire tournament watches the Tigers and ............…………..Jesus Christ I can’t re-live this again. Enough said. Graeme and Millsy spotted out on the dance floor with more energy than observed throughout the entire carnival. Cunts.
Back at the ranch drinks are had and Graeme gets
into story mode. Fuck me you know you have comedic skills when you hold the attention of 13 drinking men and tell your story in Yiddish.....or something (Editor's note: "We're consulting with Les Murray"). Still waters run deep my friends. We go out. David Hughes who has barely spoken the entire tournament watches the Tigers and ............…………..Jesus Christ I can’t re-live this again. Enough said. Graeme and Millsy spotted out on the dance floor with more energy than observed throughout the entire carnival. Cunts.
Next morning Graeme blows 0.34 easily making him golden boot of the carnival. Dave Hughes and Craig Phelps nominated players of the comp. Big thanks needs to go to Paddy for organizing the trip.
Cairns next year bitches.
Bordo 10/06/2014.
Cairns next year bitches.
Bordo 10/06/2014.