Setting the Table
Moody Blues 45's vs Cairns City - 02/08/2017
Bill Shankley was famously quoted as saying, "Football is a simple game complicated by idiots". I am confident that there are many contexts to footballing idiocy but one of the more confusing is when a team plays with such bewildering badness, yet wins convincingly. What the absolute fuck do you do with that? So with the entire Moody Blues 45 team collectively placing one firm, yet hairy, liver-spotted hand on the annual Moody Blues - "Horse's Ass" trophy I thought it was time for a debut review. It is with great dishonor I give to you the first ever deep cut match review for the Moody Blues FC 45's. Pre-game. -10:00 mins. Pedro arrives with the kit bag wearing slacks and tucked-in buttoned shirt. Sensing the bad omens he claims he has to get back to work (it's 8:20pm?) and leaves. -07:00 mins. Viz is seen rummaging through the kit bag looking for the one elusive medium size shirt. I'm sure I've previously told him it exists. This may not have been the truth. -04:00 mins. Foglis saunters into the club house apparently unaware of my 7 minute pre-match arrival minimum. Or may he's just being openly defiant. Or maybe he's just fucking late as usual. -03:00 mins. Carlo from Cairns City tells me they only have 9 men and asks if we would give them one of our 12 players? Continuing on he explains to me if the Moodies gave him a player we could play 10 on 10.... Shaking my head I told him I would go and talk to the 35's but instead just went and sat in the grandstand, out of sight, unwilling to continue plonker maths. I sat there until our kick-off whistle. |
One of these guys is a hairy terrorist arsehole. The other just has a hairy arsehole.
|
Game time
I walk back over to our field and Carlo has grabbed players from one of the teams who just finished. I walk over to the lads and they are currently arguing over who is going to play up front. Millsy, fresh off his police interview denying any links to the recent Sydney terror plot, declares he will play up front. |
The Match
01:00 - Nathan, with his knees wrapped with three inches of tape and three meters of uncertainty, takes a shot from the kick off and threatens not much more than the club house roof guttering.
02:00 - The ref isn't wearing shoes.
03:00 - Millsy is put through on goal. Misses.
04:00 - Millsy is put through on goal. Misses.
06:00 - Millsy has free header at the back post. Misses. Never a good sign when you're 6 mins into a match and calls for who is washing the team shirts have already been confirmed.
07:00 - Nelson, who isn't playing, is seen laughing at the debacle.
08:00 - Toddy sits on the bench with the wrong shirt.
09:00 - Millsy misses
10:00 - Viz goes through. I remember yelling to him, 'Relax'. It goes wide. I remember Maso once telling me that he was an instinctual player and that thinking bullshit just got in the way. Viz may have found a philosophy.
12:00 - Rantucci continues to run things from center midfield. He is having what could be classified as an off night. Long balls, through balls, short passes, first time balls, switches of play, clipped passes. You name it, he couldn't do it.
13:00 - I miss.
14:00 - More laughing from Nelson.
15:00 - Cairns City almost scores when we switched defensive tactics switching from man-to-man to zonal marking. Oddly the Cairns City strikers zone was deemed unimportant. He was put through but seemed so genuinely confused that his team mates had passed to him and subsequently miss-kicked it.
19:00 - Nathan scores with Millsy claiming an assist that is acknowledged by no one.
22:00 - Graham misses.
23:00 - More laughing.
24:00- Millsy misses
25:00 - It's on half time. Dear Jeezus let it end. 1-0 up.
Half Time.
During the half time speech, Presidential decrees are made and Millsy's striker probation period is officially revoked, he's told he's washing the shirts and he can fuck off back to the defensive line (That's how it's done Brimstone). Other general discussion involves staying in position and comments about getting back to playing football and the possible need for seppuku if we somehow managed to lose the fucking game. Toddy promises anyone who would listen that he will bring stability to the center of midfield but he has the look of a man who wants to run around like a balding demented greyhound. What could possibly go wrong?
01:00 - Nathan, with his knees wrapped with three inches of tape and three meters of uncertainty, takes a shot from the kick off and threatens not much more than the club house roof guttering.
02:00 - The ref isn't wearing shoes.
03:00 - Millsy is put through on goal. Misses.
04:00 - Millsy is put through on goal. Misses.
06:00 - Millsy has free header at the back post. Misses. Never a good sign when you're 6 mins into a match and calls for who is washing the team shirts have already been confirmed.
07:00 - Nelson, who isn't playing, is seen laughing at the debacle.
08:00 - Toddy sits on the bench with the wrong shirt.
09:00 - Millsy misses
10:00 - Viz goes through. I remember yelling to him, 'Relax'. It goes wide. I remember Maso once telling me that he was an instinctual player and that thinking bullshit just got in the way. Viz may have found a philosophy.
12:00 - Rantucci continues to run things from center midfield. He is having what could be classified as an off night. Long balls, through balls, short passes, first time balls, switches of play, clipped passes. You name it, he couldn't do it.
13:00 - I miss.
14:00 - More laughing from Nelson.
15:00 - Cairns City almost scores when we switched defensive tactics switching from man-to-man to zonal marking. Oddly the Cairns City strikers zone was deemed unimportant. He was put through but seemed so genuinely confused that his team mates had passed to him and subsequently miss-kicked it.
19:00 - Nathan scores with Millsy claiming an assist that is acknowledged by no one.
22:00 - Graham misses.
23:00 - More laughing.
24:00- Millsy misses
25:00 - It's on half time. Dear Jeezus let it end. 1-0 up.
Half Time.
During the half time speech, Presidential decrees are made and Millsy's striker probation period is officially revoked, he's told he's washing the shirts and he can fuck off back to the defensive line (That's how it's done Brimstone). Other general discussion involves staying in position and comments about getting back to playing football and the possible need for seppuku if we somehow managed to lose the fucking game. Toddy promises anyone who would listen that he will bring stability to the center of midfield but he has the look of a man who wants to run around like a balding demented greyhound. What could possibly go wrong?
Second Half
26:00 - The ref continues with bare feet. It now feels perfectly in sync with the evening.
30:00 - I get called off side with the ref responding to my protests with, 'You're not that fast'. I honestly don't know how to respond to that or whether to be happy or sad.
33:00 - Graham misses.
37:00 - Graham misses.
40:00 - Graham is awesome in build up play and, again, misses.
42:00 - Damien not seeing the big deal has a chance and scores from a header. Smart arse. 2-0 to Moodies.
45:00 - Toddy, in consultation with no one decides to switch the team from 4-4-2 to 3-5-2. It produces immediate results. Cairns City scores.
47:00 - Graham misses.
48:00 - Graham swerves the defense, the keeper and then gets pushed wide of the goal and gets put off his shot. Unfortunately no one else, including the opposition are involved in any of this but Graham.
49:00 - Vis misses. We seem to be the only team who push more people forward and look less likely to score.
50:00 - After a confusing series of three throw-ins which are repeatedly kicked out by Cairns City players we score off a David Hughes header. 3-1.
52:00 - Cairns City misses a one on one with the club house the only thing threatened.
53:00 - Troy and one of the Cairns City players commit to a running crunching body to body tackle. Milliseconds prior to collision the charge somehow transforms into something far softer and the first thing that touches are their butt cheeks.
60:00 - It starts raining. Apparently even nature is crying over the level of football on display.
26:00 - The ref continues with bare feet. It now feels perfectly in sync with the evening.
30:00 - I get called off side with the ref responding to my protests with, 'You're not that fast'. I honestly don't know how to respond to that or whether to be happy or sad.
33:00 - Graham misses.
37:00 - Graham misses.
40:00 - Graham is awesome in build up play and, again, misses.
42:00 - Damien not seeing the big deal has a chance and scores from a header. Smart arse. 2-0 to Moodies.
45:00 - Toddy, in consultation with no one decides to switch the team from 4-4-2 to 3-5-2. It produces immediate results. Cairns City scores.
47:00 - Graham misses.
48:00 - Graham swerves the defense, the keeper and then gets pushed wide of the goal and gets put off his shot. Unfortunately no one else, including the opposition are involved in any of this but Graham.
49:00 - Vis misses. We seem to be the only team who push more people forward and look less likely to score.
50:00 - After a confusing series of three throw-ins which are repeatedly kicked out by Cairns City players we score off a David Hughes header. 3-1.
52:00 - Cairns City misses a one on one with the club house the only thing threatened.
53:00 - Troy and one of the Cairns City players commit to a running crunching body to body tackle. Milliseconds prior to collision the charge somehow transforms into something far softer and the first thing that touches are their butt cheeks.
60:00 - It starts raining. Apparently even nature is crying over the level of football on display.
Post Match.
So after all is said and done Millsy claims to have been player of the match. Even Moodies founding father and known all round passive gentleman, Al Hughes had this reaction. Felt appropriate.
See you all same time next week.
So after all is said and done Millsy claims to have been player of the match. Even Moodies founding father and known all round passive gentleman, Al Hughes had this reaction. Felt appropriate.
See you all same time next week.